Life journey so far!

I have seen many people so far... i have seen kids who looks so Sopan and respecting the elders while still at school and becoming a rude and snobbish fellow after they become independent and working with money following in... I was so shocked to see this and also sad... especially when the kid offer to give back the money people have given to him to help him when he was at school.... how can he be so rude.... I over heard in radio Kedah FM that “alam ini adalah guru kita”, things that happen in front of our eyes are lesson for us in order to carry on living in this world. This has made me look at life in totally different perspective.... No matter what insyaAllah i will try not to live my golden years awaiting money from the younger generation.... who is becoming more and more insolent. Hopefully my kids will not be in that category…amin amin yarabbal alamin.

Missing you

My birthday has been painful ever since i Lost the love of my life on 17 sept 1995... it has been 15 years but the pain is still fresh... tears is flowing non stop especially when i write this blog.... i really miss him.... i was a bad daughter... always thinking about what i want without thinking about his feelings.... i hope he forgives me... Atta I love u and miss u terriblly everyday every moment is empty without you..No one can love me or care for me as you can.... I miss u i miss u i miss u... Al-fatihah for A.Kamaludeen the world's best Dad... in my eyes..... i would welcome death hoping to meet you in afterlife.... especially after my kids are grown up insyaAllah.... signing of with tears of great sadness.

Syawal is here

Alhamdulillah Eid celebration has been great maybe some hiccups here and there to test my iman (I fail so badly... sorry Honey... I love you so much for putting up with my temper tantrums) after 28 days of fasting... yupp lost 2 precious day to morning sickness but Alhamdulillah morning sickness has passed during syawal... Allah has been graceful... hopefully my trip to langkawi will be one with joy... a lot of shopping and swimming, and eating...northern state food are so tummylicious... hehehehe so bias....Ok got to go and install latex...whylah USm got research methodology course disturbing me from focusing on my seriously abandon research...Selamat hari Raya everyone




p/s:- feeling closer to Lily even though I can't see her knowing she is in Malaysia make me happy... happy eid celebration in Malaysia lily!!

Pregnant mom woes

Morning sickness is killing me so slowly…. It is just starting but I feel so miserable already. I wonder why does Allah giving me this torment during ramadhan… Knowing me, my lack of will is so obvious… today, sadly I succumbed to morning sickness and broke my fast… do I feel any better…probably worse with feelings of guilt…. This is my first time fasting during morning sickness.. I must not break any more fast…. I must strengthen my will …My last pregnancy in my lifetime…


Alhamdulillah 3 and 1 more coming… feeling blessed but at the same time my mind and brain is asking me can I be a successful mom who can create the future scholars of TM or khazanah or JPA or Mara or etc etc… can I teach all my kids to be good muslims and to be good human …. Will they understand their own culture? Many Indian muslim Kids nowadays are moving away from my indian muslim roots…. Despite me speaking in tamil and English they keep on ranting in Malay… I am so sad… I just pray to Allah my kids would not be like the people I hate…People who make fun of the indian muslim culture… Daanish maybe not ,…. But Farzana … never have I hurt her speak a sentence in tamil… have I neglected to teach them my culture… how about my religion … Islam… will I fail there too Nauzubillah..having kids means responsibility… I wonder why I did not stop at two KIDS… now with 4 ….emm Allah, I seek your guidance, I am very weak indeed… Please Allah guide me to be good Mom, Wife, Daughter, sister and good muslim…

Atta. Missing u always… Al-fatihah for u.

crying over spill milk

In this life there is always happiness and sadness, only with the experience of having feel sadness one can truly feel the value with happiness. Alhamdulillah Daanish Berkhatan, my daughters akikah and batrisyia 1st birthday went well.
today i have been crying for what? for batrisyia she is very small she need her mother's undivided attention... will i be able to give it to her...at least till she is 3 years old. How could I even think of making this mistake when she needs me... The result will be known on thursday hopefully it is only false alarm. If anyone to be blame it should be "Me".
How abt my PHD, i have been sulking from mon till now sleeping and wandering around aimlessly till batrisyia come to me after nursery.

Dear Batrisyia,

I am sorry if this thursday the result is positive. No matter what i will try to be the best mom for you. Praying to Allah with tears that i will have good news before thursday. till then love.... bye

Vampire diaries vs PHD

i am so angry at myself for not being discipline... Maybe my upbringing but every moment is a choice and i choose VAmpire diaries when i know i have tones of things to do many work to accomplish... I hate myself...ok... i need some rest with vampire diaries again... well one step at a time i stop sleeping during the day... that's an accomplishment.... InsyaAllah till i finish my PHD no more sleeping during the day ....amin...

Penang->Jeram Busu, Pahang->Penang ->KL-Gunung Jerai, Kedah

Just came back from jeram busu pahang with Jungle activity from 10th to 13th june and continuing leadership program at KL from 14-16th june and visiting sister at subang 17 june and 18 june spending time with Daanish, Farzana toy story 3 ...night time manjakan batrisyia..... 19th - 20th june gunung jerai kedah...man.... i am so busy.... anyway so far is fun fun fun....with jungle activity, paint ball, mandi sungai lipis, pahang, mandi kolam, mandi perigi, mandi hujan...followed by KL..bowling, mandi swimming pool, sauna..and of course my favourite activity...eat and eat non stop for 6 times a day..man put on weightlah...hahahha...anyway lookig forward for some solid research work after all this fun....

Dying in a pool of knowledge

Wherever i turn to in PHD world is already been done by somebody else...i am not sure how to find new stuff to do PHD on.... I must find new things if not i'm doom.... How to find new thing??? ...I am not einstein... or thomas alva addison... or the wright brothers.... damnation... the more papers i read the more confius i become... how lerr to come up with progress report by 2nd June... oh yeah 7 mths after my PHD and my proposal still incomplete...i can predict what my supervisor will write on my report to khazanah.... "she is not doing anything"...my dear lord pls deliver me PHD ideas..... ok on to IEEE and ACM, and springer link sciencedirect surfing....oh shall i be honest and say some unrelated surfing tooo...ok friend if u read this do not worry ...but be merry...i am not going coockoo over PHD  ,...yeah right...stop stop stop and get on some work...

p/s:- Good luck to Daanish and Farzana for their sport day!

Loosing weight

Since my wedding i have been trying to loose weight but i still have the extra 16 kg to loose...i have tried all the expensive stuff...jdm5 (too much in love with food to stick with the diet).....and then of course the corset thingy 2.5k.... welll it really helps to keep my body in shape despite the extra weight...it now has been shaped...to a lady should look like...after my 3rd child my body decided to maintain the pregnancy shape....My god i was worrified...anyway it is now back on track but still threre is still more weight to be lost...Hope Allah give me strenght.... InsyaAllah... just a 7 kg will put me back to BMI 25....Hope I can do it... Friends pray for me k....Luv u all.....hopefully by July ...Yeah ..let us keep on hoping...as long as there is hope there must be a way somewhere...Yupp the key word is HOPE

Focus n Discipline

When i was a student i used to be an A start student after standard 5 that is when i decided i will stop getting Cs n Ds n Es..... It was easy.... just read once alam n manusia a day prior to exam i got an A!!..wow..first time in my life.... i got 90 plus marks... that triggered me...i want more.... Atta was happy...making Atta happy was my mission then...might even be now..with the PHD...Yeah It was for Atta all along....It will be always for ATTA.,..I must not get emotional now...even saying the WOrd Atta makes my eyes ever so ready to spill continuous flow of tears...enough of that....I want to write about focus n discipline...

Today i made up my mind i will focus on my PHD work only....i must ...i  need to do presentation on monday for my progress report if not i would not be allowed to register for next semester...but what do i do???....i read midnight sun 88 pages from 10 till now.....online unfinished draft of the Edward cullens mind on twilight saga...i am really dissappointed with myself...I cannot focus.... I was focus before when i know i need to get only As in my subject but now i am no longer obssessed over it...i can be easily swayed by romance in twilight.... even hubby can see me immerse in twilight rereading it again.... He saYS "hELLO u Have KIDS n Family...so please lah"...sorry dear...i can't help myself my mind is soo full of this epic romance between Bella n Edward...anyway back to discipline n focus....I must ..I will and I am....I will be ready for monday's presentation...Oh Yes I will.....

weekend bliss

Both friday n saturday has been bliss.... having kids is bliss...iron man 2, pizza and breaking dawn made my weekend great so far .... talking abt stephanie meyer's breaking dawn it is quite dragging compared to the last 3 books but i guess no one will miss reading it if they are twilight fan..especially if u are eager to know the ending to all the melodrama.... practically only had 2 hrs of sleep last night, i deffinitely went breaking dawn with the book got a shock when i realize it was 5am.... man ....i need to catch some sleep before my 3 kids wake up n demand full attention, milk, breakfast n the list ongoing,...... being mom means i can't have the luxury of staying up all night reading story books??? yeah rite.... did that on friday nite till sat morning..deffinitely doing it tonite..better start on it now....

oh yeah my PHD progress report presentation is zero progress due on 26th may!! and what do i burn my midnight oil on...breaking dawn....great Logically thinking!!!.... i Suck Big Time on Priority Setting,.... or Doing Great on The PROCRATINATION Thinghy..... I am doomed... well for now maybe but insyaAllah Monday I will start my work full gear... (Procrastination again!!!...emmm)

Love Of My Life

cholestrol 6, pressure 145/110, sugar 6.2........... damnation.. i am so angry ..i can't loose him.... i already lost the most important man in my life when i was 18 i can't loose my man again....Ya Allah what can i do..... my response was mean mean n mean ..... i can not forgive him for being sick....sick mean illness which spells death...i am loosing it.... i rather ran away from him that see him sick n eventually taken away from me.... these thoughts is killling me...i have not done anything this week...practically zero...next week i have to present my phd progress.... i just wanna sleep n watch astro.... and try not to think abt loosing him ..... he is more important to me than any other living soul..... this attachment to him is surreal... might not even be healthy....i can not say anymore.... my heart is beating fast while i am typing this ....loosing him...means the End of Me...

Batrisyia Hospitalized

She is just 9 mths and 12 days when she was admitted at 2am in sat morning on 8th of May 2010... My heart was aching when i say the doc taking the blood out of her, pricking her with needle and the nurse sucking her phelgm out.... for 5 days i have to see her cry whenever people come and do the suction but apart from that batrisyia was an angle she never disturb me from sleep, she never cries trowing tanturm...both of us enjoy the stay in the hospital and the daily visit by her brother n sister.... nasib baik single room...because when daanish n farzana came they do not talk but they will shout non stop n it get worse when their cousins came to visit...anyway batrisyia is back home and i can see she misses home and prefers home when everyone around her is familiar to her.... Hopefully this will be her last stays at hospital...and hopefully i can better take care her so that she would not have this sort of bad flu again...InsyaAllah

Dear Batrisyia,

.... this 5 days in hospital we have been closer than ever... even though Atta offered to stay the night i will never switch place with anyone, mummy will be there for u especially when u sick and need me the most... i was there 24 by 7 with you...never once left your side except of course for nature calls..... hope one day you can grow up into a Lady ...when u do just go through mummy's blog.... just remember I love soooo Much....

The apples of my eyes

I promise myself that i will be a better mom than my own, I will not scream at my children, i would not raise my hand with them but i failed. I keep on scolding my son daanish for trivial things that kids do.... hey .... i did that when i was a child ...probably i'm more naughtier than Daanish n farzana. then why am i not being understanding to my precious kids??

daanish asked "mom, why are u scolding me non-st0p" and i answered because "i do not like u".... i was surprised to hear me say that.... I apologize n make up with him after that ...but it is eating me inside....

Dear Daanish,

If u read this after u grow, pls forgive mummy...I love u so much and i want to give only LOve n happiness. sorry abt being grumpy.... you are my 1st...

Dear Farzana,

sorry mummy make milk for u too late till u need to cry... but sayang u are 4 years old.... u cannot expect to drink milk from bottle before school...emmm.... but nevertheless.,.. i will continue to make them for you.... you are so pretty n ur eyes are lovely ... ur beauty is so mesmerizing in my eyes

Dear Batrisyia,

Mummy has been in bad mood especially towards ur bro n sis since you are sick with fever n cold.... when you are sick...i can not bear it.... i wish i was the one having the sickness not u.... u are just 10 mths old.... i love ur smile.... dear your smile alone is enough to melt me...and ur eyes they are so beautiful..... the people at nursery adore u .... many do.... they are mesmerized by ur lovely dimple, smile n hypnotizing eyes....

in nutshell, mummy promise to be the best mom that i could be.... i will continue to hug n kiss u guys till the day i stop breathing.....

signing off Daanish, Farzana n Batrisyia's mummy...

1st day Blog

suddenly after starting my phd journey i feel compelled in writing about the roller coaster journey that i am taking now. It is full of dissapoinment and also successes that i would like to put into words in this blog.

Apart from PHD, being Mom to 3 kids is surprisingly interesting and challenging. My kids, mmmm Mine, till they have their wings to fly from the nest i have built together with my beloved lover that i have married. Marriage so far has been bliss despite the occasional hickups that is corrected within a day thanx to my hubby who loves me unconditionally.

And then being a daughter to my aging mom is also an interesting journey, now mom myself i can feel the scarifices that she had made for me. My life purpose concerning her is to give her my utmost care till the day we are departed from being physically close.