Forever Window a Flower, Forever Life a Dream

Putting words to my feelings

Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Kids

Daanish Have grown so much... He's in standard 1 and asking so many questions that it is getting more more difficult to answer them. He is so proud that he got into first class out of 8 classes.. but he says susahlah asyik belajar-2 kat sekolah... breaktime pun 30 minute ... sempat makan jerrlah mak tak sempat nak main pun.... ala kesiannnya... transition from tadika to school has been tough on him.... kesian my baby boy...

                                           Daanish taking the dianogstik Exam for standard 1

As for Farzana she is still same old her (still 5 year old)... speaking only malay but she got into 6 year old class as she is advance from her classmates at 5 year old.... so there she is ... well i never force her to study when she comes home and i scold her if she brings any homework back... as far as i am concern until she is in tadika no homework should be brought home.... she stays at her tadika from 8.30 till 6pm that should be enough time to do her homework (i must remind the teacher not to give homework to be brought home).... she should rest since standard 1 is very tough... man the topis they cover in standard 1 is far more strenous than my time (not that i notice since i never did any studying or homework till i was 10 years old when i turn over new leaf and started to get As and no more Ds and Es for me .... hehehehe.... I love my dad for never forcing me to study before that but when i went into standard 5 only my dad stressed the importance of studying, maybe because UPSR will be coming soon)

                                                  Farzana Dressed up as Barbie Doll 18.12.2010

  And then my 3rd baby girl that i adore so much , Batrisyia Sharifah 18 months.... now that i am pregnant 8 months with my 4th baby i am so tired and in pain most of the time i do not have time to kiss n hug her as much time as i like too but she never cease wanting to play with me .... How i love her... this morning she climb down the staircase just by holding my hand (so tired to carry her thus need her to walk on her own)...anyway she must learn to be independent as she will be kakak to my 4th baby soon... insyaAllah my final baby is to come on 2nd week of April 2012... May Allah give me strenght to come back from my 4th c-sect in one piece as i need to carry on living n working n cooking n caring n cleaning n loving my kids till they do not need me anymore... after that insyaAllah i will be ready to live this earth to join my Dad in after life... Oh My God i really miss my dad... he is in my toughts 24 by 7 and tears never will cease from coming down from my eyes Al-Fatihah for my beloved A. Kamaludeen a father that a daughter missed soo much.

                                          Batrisyia with her Amma n Atta (Melaka Oct 2010)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Life journey so far!

I have seen many people so far... i have seen kids who looks so Sopan and respecting the elders while still at school and becoming a rude and snobbish fellow after they become independent and working with money following in... I was so shocked to see this and also sad... especially when the kid offer to give back the money people have given to him to help him when he was at school.... how can he be so rude.... I over heard in radio Kedah FM that “alam ini adalah guru kita”, things that happen in front of our eyes are lesson for us in order to carry on living in this world. This has made me look at life in totally different perspective.... No matter what insyaAllah i will try not to live my golden years awaiting money from the younger generation.... who is becoming more and more insolent. Hopefully my kids will not be in that category…amin amin yarabbal alamin.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Missing you

My birthday has been painful ever since i Lost the love of my life on 17 sept 1995... it has been 15 years but the pain is still fresh... tears is flowing non stop especially when i write this blog.... i really miss him.... i was a bad daughter... always thinking about what i want without thinking about his feelings.... i hope he forgives me... Atta I love u and miss u terriblly everyday every moment is empty without you..No one can love me or care for me as you can.... I miss u i miss u i miss u... Al-fatihah for A.Kamaludeen the world's best Dad... in my eyes..... i would welcome death hoping to meet you in afterlife.... especially after my kids are grown up insyaAllah.... signing of with tears of great sadness.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Syawal is here

Alhamdulillah Eid celebration has been great maybe some hiccups here and there to test my iman (I fail so badly... sorry Honey... I love you so much for putting up with my temper tantrums) after 28 days of fasting... yupp lost 2 precious day to morning sickness but Alhamdulillah morning sickness has passed during syawal... Allah has been graceful... hopefully my trip to langkawi will be one with joy... a lot of shopping and swimming, and eating...northern state food are so tummylicious... hehehehe so bias....Ok got to go and install latex...whylah USm got research methodology course disturbing me from focusing on my seriously abandon research...Selamat hari Raya everyone

p/s:- feeling closer to Lily even though I can't see her knowing she is in Malaysia make me happy... happy eid celebration in Malaysia lily!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Pregnant mom woes

Morning sickness is killing me so slowly…. It is just starting but I feel so miserable already. I wonder why does Allah giving me this torment during ramadhan… Knowing me, my lack of will is so obvious… today, sadly I succumbed to morning sickness and broke my fast… do I feel any better…probably worse with feelings of guilt…. This is my first time fasting during morning sickness.. I must not break any more fast…. I must strengthen my will …My last pregnancy in my lifetime…

Alhamdulillah 3 and 1 more coming… feeling blessed but at the same time my mind and brain is asking me can I be a successful mom who can create the future scholars of TM or khazanah or JPA or Mara or etc etc… can I teach all my kids to be good muslims and to be good human …. Will they understand their own culture? Many Indian muslim Kids nowadays are moving away from my indian muslim roots…. Despite me speaking in tamil and English they keep on ranting in Malay… I am so sad… I just pray to Allah my kids would not be like the people I hate…People who make fun of the indian muslim culture… Daanish maybe not ,…. But Farzana … never have I hurt her speak a sentence in tamil… have I neglected to teach them my culture… how about my religion … Islam… will I fail there too Nauzubillah..having kids means responsibility… I wonder why I did not stop at two KIDS… now with 4 ….emm Allah, I seek your guidance, I am very weak indeed… Please Allah guide me to be good Mom, Wife, Daughter, sister and good muslim…

Atta. Missing u always… Al-fatihah for u.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

crying over spill milk

In this life there is always happiness and sadness, only with the experience of having feel sadness one can truly feel the value with happiness. Alhamdulillah Daanish Berkhatan, my daughters akikah and batrisyia 1st birthday went well.
today i have been crying for what? for batrisyia she is very small she need her mother's undivided attention... will i be able to give it to least till she is 3 years old. How could I even think of making this mistake when she needs me... The result will be known on thursday hopefully it is only false alarm. If anyone to be blame it should be "Me".
How abt my PHD, i have been sulking from mon till now sleeping and wandering around aimlessly till batrisyia come to me after nursery.

Dear Batrisyia,

I am sorry if this thursday the result is positive. No matter what i will try to be the best mom for you. Praying to Allah with tears that i will have good news before thursday. till then love.... bye

Monday, June 21, 2010

Vampire diaries vs PHD

i am so angry at myself for not being discipline... Maybe my upbringing but every moment is a choice and i choose VAmpire diaries when i know i have tones of things to do many work to accomplish... I hate myself...ok... i need some rest with vampire diaries again... well one step at a time i stop sleeping during the day... that's an accomplishment.... InsyaAllah till i finish my PHD no more sleeping during the day ....amin...